.


2:32 AM, CAN'T SLEEP


quest for tranquillity or Deathride


entry 034
2022 January 20th, London

About myself


loading

entry 033
2022 January 19th, London

About myself


Today I am so calm and organized. It must be due to going to sleep before ten.

The real journey begins when one is no longer bound by any rules, no longer rooted, not dependent and is completely detached.

A dangerous game from that point. As one builds their own reality, however they please. As a person with vivid inner movements, I am overwhelmed at an intimidating level. All content and balanced, as I was looking for balance in the past and apparently have found some, yet I find myself in the wilderness. Yes. That is rather fitting, being out there. The jungle is vast.

entry 032
2022 January 18th, London

About i


entry 031
2022 January 18th, London

About myself


This blog needs password protection. It is all too exclusive and personal now.

entry 030
2022 January 15th, London

About i and also about myself


The time, that very very first time, as you spun around me

The time you stole that very first kiss.

The time you walked into the bar room.

The time we first danced.

The time you first laid down as you are next to me.

And every time you close and open your eyes next to me.

entry 029
2022 January 15th, London

About i and also about myself


Why am I so difficult for myself?


I have learnt nothing from straight men. (save for some wing tsun kuen and a few physical methods)
I have learnt everything from queer women.


Embracing my feminine side always healed into sense my masculine side, smoothing me out, evening, balancing, shaping me into a freer mind.


I am so lucky. I am so very lucky.
And I just can't stop my love for you s. b.
I truly can not.

What a flawless mind you are. I fall. And I laugh. And I see you smile. And I smile. You.
You.


You completely disarm me. I am nothing but me. All vulnerable and soft.
And I can walk up to your person, offer and give. Nothing feels better.

entry 028
2022 January 13th, London

About i


Slow, slow, softest, delicate, a wide and sleek body of water
A plane at an air show crashes, explodes into the crowd,
lava from a mouth
Mythical creature, asleep, asleep, asleep, calm, so sound while the world splits in half inside
And nowhere to be found. -_-


I am a Sun who wants to rotate around a Moon.
And I will show how, breaking the minds of all by doing just that.


i want to get in
through a wall


too soon, too fast, no trust, too much, too close
just being stupid here - when i should be my smartest. when i could. - forgetting the power of sleep. again.

entry 027
2022 January twelvety, London

About myself


Too tired to write anything, sleeping in five, four... but. I want it. I want to be the remedy.

entry 026
2022 January 10th, London

About i and also about myself


To be able to do so... To be able to experience and live it... Unholy magic. The best there is to be found.


I am privileged, I am honoured, I am so very lucky,

I am grateful, i am thankful

To walk your temple... I watch each of my steps.




Forever waiting is over. FOREVER WAITTING / BAMM / HAS DIED. No more. / Death /. Crush of the sky. / Crack. / I am ablaze.
but fucking ablaze as the first apes witnessing fire on this fucking planet for the first time - as their minds collapsed and re-arranged again,
as a land-dweller saw a sea for the first time,


Ablaze. Touched the bottom of the well, sixteen years swimming down and sixteen towards the surface. I am ... naked ... transparent skin... in the darkness... alone ... but so close to you... i want it to be you.... i want it to be you... you... unmatched. ... unseen. ... above hormones, above cold logic, above impression, above judging, above poetry, above non-poetry, above inter-personal, above personal, above human, above your past, above my past, above circumstances, above intentions, above-
above invisible tears - above names
above
liquid diamond, crystallized flame, WONDER

blood inside a vein, a thought inside a nerve, an electric current in a mind, a clash of minds, a happening.
Serendipity.




Being there. Awaking next to you. You asleep. You awakening. Looking at you. You looking back. Seeing you. You seeing me. Feeling you. You feeling me. Intersecting. Listening to you. Talking. Sharing. Living. Enjoying.
Getting closer to your thoughts. Being welcome. Witnessing what you choose and what you do. How you move. Your comments and remarks. Your presence.

I am already crying out of joy just typing this and thinking of these unmatched crossings of space and time. Large bursts of truth flaming across my mind and body. You.

Yes. I am. Yes, I am.

And. I know how much more is aflame, i feel it, i sense it, i know. My body is dragging but my soul and intellect is there. I am on my way. I am running. To you. I am running towards you.


You. YOU.

You ... YOU DANCING HAPPILY ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
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/ my mind cracks, bursts, does not dissolve but unbounds itself ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
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entry 025
2022 January 6th, London

About myself


This is unbelievable.

I have to remind myself of the things which are happening, that they are, they are real.

I am... I am happy.
I can feel my pulse in my soul. There is someone I want to see. There are not just people around, there is SOMEONE. Warmth fills my heart. Romantic, true intentions are making me move. And it is not just flowing out to the void, it is not a toy for some bored girl, it is not stuck up in chaos, it isn't a misguided missile, it isn't a racecar losing its wheel - there are no lies and nothing is spat upon. It is all accepted. Accepted. ...How is this possible? Everything was burning and nothing really worked out. What, what is going on? Hmmm?

The most wonderful person, this enigma of amazingness, this wonderful gem, this treasure of a being likes me. They like me!

Hello! Brain! Function! I need shit done, work and organizing stuff! Hello! Also... Sleep???

entry 024
2022 January 4th, London

About myself


figure A.

Planningtorock - The One (Bolton version)

figure B.

Planningtorock - The One (Resident Advisor mix version)
entry 023
2022 January 4th, London

About myself


Ah-haaaa-hhaaaaa! I need - I must pull things together now! All hands on deck!

entry 022
2022 January 4th, London

About i and also about myself


It's 04:18. I can draw you from memory now. It's both terrible and amazing.

I need a car. I could just steal one. Yes, I want to go. Taking you.


Right, i'm gonna try and imitate Corn as i got inspired by her, here we go, read it fast-fast...
New year, new me? No, but the world turns, spins, and so do I with it. There are things that have to go, out of me. I can feel they are just reluctantly stuck to the floor. Like the chicken blood someone left in the kitchen and i couldn't get it off with descaler nor with the other nature-destroyer-fucking-water9-from-the-Kurt-Vonnegut-novel-that-destroys-the-entire-planet liquid I AM SO SET OFF HEY ho, how, so how is it possible that... No, we get back to problems after the commercial:
The commercial is about a young man who is just, after long years of self-imprisonment, self-enstupidiment, after being disoriented and chasing something that was actually something else, after having his head under a rock the whole time, falls madly, deeply, helplessly and uncontrollably in love, so fucking much he stumbles in himself and falls over himself, just to see himself and how wrong he was about himself. Eat shampoo, ten percent off.
The commercial is over. We have to focus now.

So instead of clearing my mind during a walk (that turned into a realization how i am using my only pair of sneakers i have -in this country- for work and it is kept on a shelf, -at work- and i must buy another pair otherwise i just can not go running - technically i can but *musical note* THESE BOOTS WERE MADE FO WAKIN *musical note over* so i went to listen to children crying and eastern europeans shout at each other with the whole family and not agreeing on anything, a.k.a. to the cheap sports shop and after forcing myself to cope with the -for me- hellish situation and trying on each pair of somewhat worthy trail running shoes and using up all my concentrated, friendly social skills to speed-befriend the high-speed talking and working shop clerk guy who is also probably into running, i did buy a pair of acceptable trail running sneakers) i realized other useful things - if you look for something and also let things go and live their own way and just observe with care, answers come to you: so now, that it has been months of turning my back on burdens nobody can deal with, and having things lit well AND somehow - impossibly - feeling almost relaxed (thanks to s. b.), i can see my own self from other perspectives.
*breathe*
There are more things which have to die. Can't properly name them but I do worry a lot for no reason. Need to chill the fuck out. ...Anyway. I am ready to strip and transform. I want my freedom.

Okay. Click Okay to continue. Click.

Shit, i used the l-word, right? No, don't click the, no! Close the window!

entry 021
2022 January 3rd, London

About i and also about myself




Anna Calvi - Sing To Me (live)

Hard to focus on words when so much internal miracles are in movement.

I am naked and walking out on a large cliff, from under a wide waterfall, deep, deep, deep in a jungle.
Sanctified by nature. Washed off of the remains of the known world.
Eyes set on the glowing shape in the forest. I must hunt.
Here! I jump!



My passion has been resurrected. Alive. Out of the tomb. Burning.

A lot to do. Now is the time.


and look! i was given this pretty ring by s. b., the one who i desire:

it's the one with two minutes intro but BUT! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkMppSQKUaI
AND and And AND https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmPbkJbvITU

entry 022
04:27 - 2021 December 30th, London

About myself


i would drown for you in acid. my obsession is out of control. that is how i feel about you. already... i am stretched. to the thinnest translucency. and i like it. i want it. i like it. i like it. i want it. i want it. it feels all the right ways. it ... i shouldn't write these down. please pretend you never read it. i will delete this when i wake up. -

entry 020
2021 December 30th, London

About myself


i want real. i want to be out there, however it feels. however it hurts. i want to know and i want to face all of it.

entry 019
2021 December 29th, London

About myself

copied from my Fediverse thing:


this is how you write an artist resume:

i am utterly exhausted. on the verge of giving up, despite not knowing how to give up at all. it is of and for the same reason why:
i am sick of most things in general and sickened to death by basically everything that is practiced by most humans.
all i want is to hold a mirror, express my disgust and reach for better things i come up with through my personal ways.
never tell me what to do.
never tell me anything.
now pay me.



Right now (again), as i am meticulously packing up my necessary equipment, the underwear and screwdrivers, i am thrown into the state of mind. The. The one there is to be and to desire: Lifting off. Not belonging. To anyone, to anywhere. Not being bound by any "reason", any "sense", anything. Nothing.
- It is not 'instagramfuckit', it is not 'internetidontcare', it is RISK, it is I SPIT IN THE FACE OF INJUSTICE, it is SAYING NO. ...Although i am attempting to move back to (ke)Babylon.
2021 November 2nd, Älta, Sweden

entry 018
2021 December 27th, London

About i


entry 017
2021 December 26th, London

About myself.


Well, of course I fucking can't (sleep).

I am again in the wrong place.
At least I am sure of things. It took very long but now I know - this - particular mindset is me. Well, it is a ...? viewfeel? frame of mind? inside me, a perspective? It only concerns me, it has to be this. This one is the best and only. That's it.

I've always felt, fucking knew, my problems do not originate from inside me. They are put on me or are pushing me from the sides.
SO, about two months ago, I cut the last ropes and let the decaying bridge fall into the abyss where it belongs.
Zero family. Not even me. Vasectomy is waving at me in a friendly way from some distance ahead. Zero, not even me.
Again. Why only now?

entry 016
2021 December 25th, London

About myself.


Yearning for calm.

No more insurmountable problems, please.
No false starts, please.
No random unknown powers, entities, authorities machinating, changing the rules, moving around the walls while I'm not looking, manipulating from far shadows - no powerlessness, please.
...Please who? Please what?

Tired. Used up.


Was just recently told by someone "I can not meditate, I can not empty my mind".

Why of course emptiness is death. I suppose, no monk ever goes just blank... What would be the point? Self-induced coma?

I used to meditate actively. Channelling through a microphone or running. It worked well. Sitting still with closed eyes worked too.
Although, the breakthrough discovery only came in the recent years, as I developed my own special states and inner places. If only I did that much earlier, long ago, not only in the last thousand days.


Uhhh.. Give me more sleep.

entry 015
2021 December 23rd, London

About myself.


A nineteenth century painter. Rather eighteenth.
Eighth century painter.

That is all I want to be.
Apart.
Yet connected.

Connecting the common mind to the 'real'.
Connecting them with a straight line to what 'is' -

i find nothing around me simple,
most often ugly, like this curtain they put up in this room,
or meaningless like the can of sugary drink in the shop,
but as i look down over the cars floating away fast, i see an evolved mass of apes dying to break out of a hard state of mind,
as i look around my room, i read my story (ignore it) and know how sore a story lives in the other room,
as i touch a cold metal object i feel a longsword from a thousand years away and imagine a pitiful machine that has to spit out cheap door knobs all day in some miserable warehouse, made from unsolicited materials,
as i look at the clouds i shatter into a million feelings and if i let, a handful, as a handful of fresh water, water cupped up with my fingers from a forests cold vein - washes over me and an inexplicably selected few memories and moods, states of mind take me on, far away, into memories mixed with dreams, new forms, scent of dirty winter snow and fire, longing,
as i am old enough, am, and was curious enough about the world, i can imagine the life of the woman in a hijab staring out the bus window, worried and worn, and i start to worry too,
as i come aware, i want to punch back through time,
as i think of my own feelings, i want to decorate the soul,
as i look at the spider crawling, making its way in the corner, i know it has a soul too,
as i look up at an indifferent sky, i know there are souls living up there too, probably in awful looking bodies, wondering about things i would never understand,
as i look at a church, i see seas of blood and hear cries as burning blades, broken and charred bones, i see death and suffering, the torment of unsuspecting minds,
as i see, i see what is -

what is
to show what is
(and playing around with all that is in between, emphasize nothing, play).

The straight line - is - : the simple and obvious but yet unknown and unexplained, but by seeing - graspable.

Or if you please, a straight and simple line just like the writing on the wall.

The writing on the wall.
( I love christian mythology, as it is a fake religion, a non-existent faith I can go on and rape and tear apart, drink its blood and piss it out back onto itself, onto its guts, you know, to go all william s borroughs on it, through the body of jay cee, drill through his holy flesh, smell up the finger of the dog christ blowjob christ alcoholic fatherfigure up the nose shoot shit while the truck passes touch the crucifix on his neck and smoke crackchrist under the building next to the trash ...if you know what i mean.
As it was never anything real, just a messed up copy, the largest scam white men ever came up with. And us, who are artists in their hearts, made it ours. Fuckers never have gotten anywhere without architects, sculptors, painters (and guns and lawyers) - but i am being carried away.)

That straight line being only visible to those who see with a bleeding heart or are fools enough to see.

Creating a great ass fucking painting is something to fuck about. Yo, respect, Ali G in da house.
Just messing with you now.

Creating a great painting is not painting, it is reaching beyond. Touching, grabbing and pulling in something from outside. Or inside, if you please. For me it is outside. It comes from me, well likely, but if i reflect on the world, if i let my mind dive through the genetic codes of my body, there must be memories, impressions, fears and joy of others, pieces of distant past that is not my own. And cosmic radiation. Surf that shit...
Ehhhmmmm. So.
If the painting doesn't tear the viewer out of their environment and doesn't change how they felt the second just before looking at the picture, then the work is trash.
It is not supposed to be trash. ...
It supposed to be a straight line that connects.

Hmmpf.

Feeding the common mind. To find ones who can relate, with whom to connect with.

Not just tangling among them, work, tired, die. Womb to tomb.

-

I care not for your noise and details.

-

"oh you could do 3D"
"your art would make amazing animation"
and the rest, i do not even care to jot down...

No.

I have been under attack by so much inane, profound, shallow approaches:
Ugly, 'stupidified', lost and torn, old christian women shouting at my face from twenty centimeters, degrading me into shit, down to mud. Large hairy men smacking my face with huge crusty hands.

"You got to do" this, "You have got to do" that.

In the last twenty years, I think it must have been way easier for any kind of force or entity, authority or corporation, school or church to influence young minds, more successful than ever - so now, the whole world is screaming at each other, I am under attack every minute by the same catastrophic bullshit: "do as someone else tells you."

No.

I want to make "boring" paintings. That's it.

And

No, I do not have to do this or that.
I abide laws, pay tax and walk among you but none of you - None. Of. You. - have anything on me. All pass through me as if I was not there at all.

A lot of noise gets stuck, people stick like glue - however, all I have is solvent.

No one can take anything away from me.

...
"Says all that and slaves away in hospitality jobs"

entry 014
2021 December 15th, London

About i and also about myself.


The sea.

entry 013
2021 December 13th, London

About i and also about myself.


2:32 AM and can not sleep.
I will rename this page to that. I like it.

A lot happened, big happened, little was I in private with this typing machine.

I was eventually repaid in full, thank you December.

------------------------------- There are things words fail. Priceless, invaluable pieces. Movements of a soul. I don't beleive feelings can be written down at all as they are. All i want to write down for the record is how I feel like the luckiest person in the world. -------------------------------

As you wrote, s.b., serendipity is something to think about...
There are words I wish to say, loud and tall - but it is not time. Not yet.

Instead of sleeping, I was going back in time, about two days, into memories of gold.

...
Your immensely tasteful knowledge of English takes me on. Great choices can be very sexy.
Mine is mostly canned dog food that was thrown around, dented on the sides, scratched and probably leaking now. In time I get back, it will transform into something more but not just yet.

Indeed, I am a Taurus running wild, all around. Too much, way too much. As I do need a limited ground, a base to function at higher levels.
To lock up sometimes, to work and create like a volcano.
Be free to wake up at the middle of dawn and write down ideas I am dreaming of.


Oh, have to get back to the London rhythm, scheduling is a dire need as I liked to write more-

entry 012
2021 December 8th, London

About myself and integrity.


Patience. Talking about it openly. A great recipe for most things.


Magic.
An enhanced moment. The moment is the magic.

Desire. Oh, desire for letting and making it last longer, live on within the moment, within the idea, the plasma of the moment. Desire...

Keeping it alive, when possible ... trying to keep it alive for too long though can be fatal, disastrous even.
The mindset which it is prolonged with for the first time, for its first period of artificial life is the absolute controller which will determine all outcomes, the fate of each detail.

At least this is one of my approaches concerning the collision of similar minds.

Nothing feels more important than keeping a clear mind. Reflecting on ourselves, seeing our reflection in others and in the connection with others, between the collisions - the little creations there - that unnamed part is more than half of the fuel.

entry 011
2021 December 7th, London

About i and also about myself.


They kissed me. And something else started.
This time 'they' is singular. And oh what a singularity they are. Oh my mind...

And they are oh so surreally beautiful: inside and outside. I was stunned from the first moment.
I know I am attracted to minds, to high emotional intelligence. And Uhhhh, it was so strong, knocked off my feet in an split second. I was some lost satellite floating in space, being melt into myself by a star.
Thank you for meeting me. You broke a curse, lifted it, obliterated it, and with that same wave of a minds radiation, bound me into a spell. Spellbound I am. And I can't wait to see you again.

Thank you for mending my heart, s.b., you mesmerizing human. I will tell you all about it, I promise.


Promise. Promises. I will fucking make promises however I want! And will fucking live up to them.
Fixing the human condition speckle by speckle - fix yourself, I am fixing myself.


AHHH-LSO. Today is the first day i really thought about my identity in the terms of gender. Only slightly touched the topic before, as it just never mattered to me personally. I always just do things... Yet, it feels like it may hold keys for doors to unlock... I am all fine with my body but looking back, I have never felt like a MAN and was always just out of place. I wouldn't say I was living a usual heterosexual partnership with my ex-girlfriend either.

Neither did with my "ex ex".

Frankly, the world starts to look like a much better place from the instant of just not thinking of it as only a scattering and fighting of men (black) and women (white).
Changing language and transforming sexuality, reforming gender norms, creating ways of living through it, introducing new personal level rules and new forms of freedom are anything but negative for any society. I will revise this text, I need to sleep.

My brief investigation so far tells me I am most likely agender. I feel I can associate with that terribly much.

entry 010
2021 December 6th, London

About i.


Well, I interrupt this programme with 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entry 009
2021 December 4th, London

About E.



Depeche Mode - Policy Of Truth
The lyrics are flawed, it ought to say: "Shouldn't have hidden it, should you" not the opposite...



what are you doing there? - what is in that hole? - is there really gold? down there, in the abyss, among all that sharp and unknown.

Eccentric but I fell onto a knife of lies. Hidden dagger pointed at the kisser. I guess I wanted L-O-V-E too much.

i will keep patient. wait. wait like lava.
taste and measure the winds. feel the spin of the World.
look for projections in secret wells, hidden deep in cold bogs and swamps.
climb up to hidden caves, lay the cards once and destroy them all, forever.
see where the transformation is heading. bathe in whatever may come.
wait for the pointing of the true compass. wait. wait like lava.

and then.

i hope then - it will all seem a lie

if not - the world will burn.
as i will cry out and call.
louder
and louder
LOUDER
my howl will make all walls collapse
to reveal you
set the world ABLAZE
"UP IN FLAMES"
FIRE FROM POLE TO POLE
from blue to red
purple to white
one
nuclear
the whole planet shifting, into one mind and face

come to me, let me lift you up, wherever you want to go, whoever you want to be


(...why am i such a menace?)

entry 008
2021 December 3rd, London

About myself and survivalism.


More intelligible writing on the way.

I am a survivalist, more on the whys later, I am thinking to share some insights and advices.

- First of all, be there for your friends. Stand up against bullshit and oppression. Friends come and go, time sorts out who is who.
- There is always something to live for. There is always something to go on for. A bad state is just a bad state.
- Goals and aims, plans with friends, projects. Fixing things, helping others.
- Definitely, always have an extra backpack, a light one with some plastic bags in it, at all times.
- Stick to your laptop - optionally have a proper Linux or BSD system on it (ask your geek friend, it's just like windows actually if not easier) and keep it on you.
- Sturdy plastic spoon and fork, canned food, water bottles, baby wipes, loo roll, chocolate bars, chewing gum, toothpastetoothbrush.
- Come up with various forms of meditation. Tune on to something at work that calms you, remind yourself of the temporary nature of things. Sometimes breathe consciously, let it flow through.
- You can't always listen to music now, know when you don't have to stay alert.
- Things might get harder after they got way too hard. Staying calm solves most things in life.
- If it is a dangerous looking area, look dangerous and a bit sneaky.
- Health above all, warm before stylish. (pfff, says that and walks around in an open leather jacket)
- A general good idea is to stay away from people who smoke a lot, any kind of cigarettes. Good people are strong people. Strong people don't usually smoke. Stress smoking is a thing though.
- Careful with the amount of caffeine. Vitamin C tablets. Eat fruit and vegetables.
- Sometimes motels are just full - but there may be very cheap hotels around the semi-expensive ones. There are at least two opposite to StPancras in London. Saved me twice on short notice.
- There is no time for being negative. Everything is just a quest.
- Recognize when you are digesting something hard, you may not actually be in a bad mood. The gut-brain connection is to be taken very seriously.
- I've got two pocket books about what can be eaten in the wild. Get a hold of some. And like me, hope you'll never need 'em.
- If there are a lot of consecutive or parallel happenings are going on, consider running a spreadsheet of your life. The ultimate list. It may even come off as dehumanizing but personally, it helps me greatly.
- Sleep. Goodbye partying, lots of booze and that.

entry 007
2021 December 1st, London

About myself.


How to make friends:
1 - Be yourself.
2 - Do not fuck them.
3 - See #2.
Umm... But...


How to not be intimidating:
1 - Be yourself.
2 - Do not be Richard.
3 - See #2.
Umm... But...

entry 006
2021 December 1st, London

About myself.


I hope one day I won't feel this song at all. I do not want to understand it. I do not want to be able to relate to it.


Baxter Dury - I'm Not Your Dog
This is a fun blog.

Addendum to principles:
- Never invest in something that is not already yours or attached to you or has real respect for you.

entry 005
2021 December 1st, London

About myself.

Go fuck yourself, December! Give me what I want or give me death!

Writing a blog as a teenager helped me a lot, now I know for sure. Free therapy for myself. (And I suspect, my past self was probably saving me from serious aches by deleting those years and years of continuous self-tracking in a whim.)
This takes away from the loneliness too. Many write cause they are lonely, I can tell.

"Today is a brand new day! Yeah! Hey! I am not a big mistake, baby, I am a great fucking choice!"

...Strong but empty. My words fall on the ground like metal pipes.

Also fucking hate feeling how much my mind has been neglected. I can see where I could've gotten. Been forcing and pushing and learning, still, it is fucking devastating. Hmmm.
Devastation. This word follows me around for the last week. For the last month. For the last year.

I WANT TO BE REPAID IN FULL.

entry 004
2021 November 30th, London

About E.

Have I already gone crazy or can I just deal with a lot?
Have I learned to deal with a lot or do I just know where to step and when to stop?
Do I? What is real? Confirmation from friends make something real? Real. Want is real. I understand want. I understand her cause I understand myself. Because I understand starvation. Want is easy and comes and goes around. Peace of mind, fulfilled by want. Demand the love. "Comfort me with desire." Bathe in disillusional desire.
Okay. But an aimless want? And self-destruction for a feeling about a made-up idea --- OF a person (and not FOR the actual person) who refuses to share and talk? My mind falls dead on this.

I like and understand all of that. The desire. Those states. But I want trust. Talking of depth, I want the same prospects and offerings from someone which I want to give. I want somebody to open up for me, forever. ...I had that, it was real. Then I died.

That - or honest friends who are ready to fuck.

Right now, I am living in an illusion of knowing a lot of all of these. I am an illusion. I have none of these. What do I know?

I am sorry, I won't let you destroy me. I am the storm. Only I destroy me.

entry 003
2021 November 30th, London

About E.

You want me away before there is no way back. I know that. Not because of me but what I could reveal and what would disappear in the same instant.

Love is blind, I know. Until a point where we break... I wish I could be angry.

Why do you throw away yourself for (worse than) an idea of a person?

It is you. The good and the energy. That's not them. All that good is you. In you. I have the vision, i state it bold and as fact. I see. That passion and strength. You. Not them.
You are throwing -You- in a hole. Even the love is coming from you.

You will waste away in that suck, in that small hole. Down the drain you go.

Dogsex means a lot to possessive dogs. "Have you been here or there?" "Have they put theirs in yours?"- they taste and bark. They don't even ask why. It is just a death sentence right away. "CHEATED ON ME." "The punishment is death!" "HOW DARE YOU BE YOURSELF AND ENJOY LIVING?" Why? That doesn't matter. "WHORE".

...

Trust and openness is where I belong. Connexion.

I gave all I have got. I wish you could sense my gratitude, my real intentions or how much I am ready to burn for you. ...Burn ...For you? You lie... To me. To them. To yourself.

Lying out of confusion and fear. And lying to yourself? Why?

Burn? Instead, I will waste myself for a while in the forevercry under my skin for no point at all. I keep and carry that to remind myself - wishing not to hear you hit the ground hard.

entry 002
2021 November 30th, London

About E.

I saw from far, far away. I resonated with the words. I wanted to KNOW.


Sudden light can destroy.
I have never seen something like you and it hurts my being. I want it all. Mindlessly.
Who are you?

Who are you?
I wish I had more for you. But now I have no strength at all. Frail and worthless. Still, I want all of you.
Sudden light can destroy.

Who are you?
Now is a blade. The blade is this time. Now is the trap I did not see.
And the blade is heavier than me.
Sudden light can destroy.

Who are you?
The blade is heavier than me. Pushing down on me.
Sinking in my chest. Now, the blade is in me. I am holding it. Now I am me.
You were caught in between.

I am nothing but the clench.
Without a body. Everything's a threat.
My heart will soon start bleeding again as I am removing the sword.
The sudden light is gone.

Who are you?
In secret I take my fall and lay to sleep. Sinking back to my tar pit to bleed. Goodbye light.
Who are you? Where are you? Why?


Addendum to principles:
-No waiting, unless it is about a person: careful waiting. I've learned this only now (blade swings close).

entry 001
2021 November 30th, London
staying at an invaluable friends

About Mz and myself.

It started when I died. I was born when I died. Again.
Before I died, I swore myself an oath for the glory of Mz and with that, wildly, quickly exhausted all I had, breaking my mind in just one quick electric sentence like this, very fast, in five years. Breaking our love by draining away. Breaking the oath by breaking my mind. Becoming nothing. This nothing-human left, left to leave everything behind to rot. Itself a rot.


Diamanda Galas - Interlude (Time)
This wasn't the first time I lost everything. I can hear and feel the scratching of shovels and pickaxes if I concentrate and remember. Scratching my inside. Nothing left, it is only the dark walls of a hollow mine about to collapse. Fork against an empty plate. Metal against rock. Meaningless.

Yet collapse, I won't. (True decisions can't be changed, broken, killed, forgotten, rewritten, moved.)

I, the nothing-human was dropped in Death as a country to be tortured. And tortured I was.

After leaving Death as a country, traumatized, in pieces, I, the nothing-human landed in Sweden.
Dressed with a name and a face, some papers and not more, I stopped being a complete nothing-human.

One morning after no sleep but a magnetic reversal, facing and killing a sick part of myself, I gave some back to my whole.
A leg or an arm.
A sparkle.

A little fire started and I manifested the magnet. A large and heavy desk to work on. Literally this time.

I began to take myself apart upon this tall, dark, heavy desk.
Seeing I am not human at all, I already planned to leave.

There is one thing to do. To live again. Re-establish. Become. Get. Grow:
- Never ask for validation.
- Stop being miserable, stop being negative inwards.
- Stay sincere and honest even if it hurts opinions. Let the flow of it take me where I belong. Yet be careful if it is a delicate person.
- From within, always from within. Outside is others.
- I am one. I am an individual. No relatives. By me, by myself. Ask for help only if it is a dire need.
- Most people are still fucking idiots and push their shit onto others. Identify and ignore them.

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