.


I Shred light IN


quest for tranquillity or Deathride


entry 012
2021 December 8th, London

About myself and integrity.


Patience. Talking about it openly. A great recipe for most things.


Magic.
An enhanced moment. The moment is the magic.

Desire. Oh, desire for letting and making it last longer, live on within the moment, within the idea, the plasma of the moment. Desire...

Keeping it alive, when possible, for too long though can be fatal, disastrous.
The mindset which it is prolonged with for the first time, for its first period of artificial life is the absolute controller which will determine all outcomes, the fate of each detail.

At least this is one of my approaches concerning the collision of similar minds.
(Also practicing creative writing with this.)

Nothing feels more important than keeping a clear mind. Reflecting on ourselves, seeing our reflection in others and in the connection with others is more than half of the fuel.

entry 011
2021 December 7th, London

About i and also about myself.


They kissed me. And something else started.
This time 'they' is singular. And oh what a singularity they are. Oh my mind...

And they are oh so surreally beautiful: inside and outside. I was stunned from the first moment.
I know I am attracted to minds, to high emotional intelligence. And Uhhhh, it was so strong, knocked off my feet in an split second. I was some lost satellite floating in space, being melt into myself by a star.
Thank you for meeting me. You broke a curse, lifted it, obliterated it, and with that same wave of a minds radiation, bound me into a spell. Spellbound I am. And I can't wait to see you again.

Thank you for mending my heart, s.b., you mesmerizing human. I will tell you all about it, I promise.


Promise. Promises. I will fucking make promises however I want! And will fucking live up to them.
Fixing the human condition speckle by speckle - fix yourself, I am fixing myself.


Today is the first day i really thought about my identity in the terms of gender. Only slightly touched the topic before, as it just never mattered to me personally. I always just do things... Yet, it feels like it may hold keys for doors to unlock... I am all fine with my body but looking back, I have never felt like a MAN and was always just out of place. I wouldn't say I was living a usual heterosexual partnership with my ex-girlfriend either.

Neither did with my "ex ex".

Frankly, the world starts to look like a much better place from the instant of just not thinking of it as only a scattering and fighting of penises and vaginas.
It may still be something like that down there in the sheets but changing language and transforming sexuality, reforming gender norms, ways of living through it, introducing new personal level rules and freedom are anything but negative for any society. I will revise this text, I need to sleep.

My brief investigation so far tells me I am most likely agender. I feel I can associate with that terribly much.

entry 010
2021 December 6th, London

About i.


Well, I interrupt this programme with 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entry 009
2021 December 4th, London

About E.







what are you doing there? - what is in that hole? - is there really gold? down there, in the abyss, among all that sharp and unknown.

i will keep patient. wait. wait like lava.
taste and measure the winds. feel the spin of the World.
look for projections in secret wells, hidden deep in cold bogs and swamps.
climb up to hidden caves, lay the cards once and destroy them all, forever.
see where the transformation is heading. bathe in whatever may come.
wait for the pointing of the true compass. wait. wait like lava.

and then.

i hope then - it will all seem a lie

if not - the world will burn.
as i will cry out and call.
louder
and louder
LOUDER
my howl will make all walls collapse
to reveal you
set the world ABLAZE
"UP IN FLAMES"
FIRE FROM POLE TO POLE
from blue to red
purple to white
one
nuclear
the whole planet shifting, into one mind and face

come to me, let me lift you up, wherever you want to go, whoever you want to be


(...why am i such a romantic piece of shit?)

entry 008
2021 December 3rd, London

About myself and survivalism.


More intelligible writing on the way.

I am a survivalist, more on the whys later, I am thinking to share some insights and advices.

- First of all, be there for your friends. Stand up against bullshit and oppression. Friends come and go, time sorts out who is who.
- There is always something to live for. There is always something to go on for. A bad state is just a bad state.
- Goals and aims, plans with friends, projects. Fixing things, helping others.
- Definitely, always have an extra backpack, a light one with some plastic bags in it, at all times.
- Stick to your laptop - optionally have a proper Linux or BSD system on it (ask your geek friend, it's just like windows actually if not easier) and keep it on you.
- Sturdy plastic spoon and fork, canned food, water bottles, baby wipes, loo roll, chocolate bars, chewing gum, toothpastetoothbrush.
- Come up with various forms of meditation. Tune on to something at work that calms you, remind yourself of the temporary nature of things. Sometimes breathe consciously, let it flow through.
- You can't always listen to music now, know when you don't have to stay alert.
- Things might get harder after they got way too hard. Staying calm solves most things in life.
- If it is a dangerous looking area, look dangerous and a bit sneaky.
- Health above all, warm before stylish. (pfff, says that and walks around in an open leather jacket)
- A general good idea is to stay away from people who smoke a lot, any kind of cigarettes. Good people are strong people. Strong people don't usually smoke. Stress smoking is a thing though.
- Careful with the amount of caffeine. Vitamin C tablets. Eat fruit and vegetables.
- Sometimes motels are just full - but there may be very cheap hotels around the semi-expensive ones. There are at least two opposite to StPancras in London. Saved me twice on short notice.
- There is no time for being negative. Everything is just a quest.
- Recognize when you are digesting something hard, you may not actually be in a bad mood. The gut-brain connection is to be taken very seriously.
- I've got two pocket books about what can be eaten in the wild. Get a hold of some. And like me, hope you'll never need 'em.
- If there are a lot of consecutive or parallel happenings are going on, consider running a spreadsheet of your life. The ultimate list. It may even come off as dehumanizing but personally, it helps me greatly.
- Sleep. Goodbye partying, lots of booze and that.

entry 007
2021 December 1st, London

About myself.


How to make friends:
1 - Be yourself.
2 - Do not fuck them.
3 - See #2.
Umm... But...


How to not be intimidating:
1 - Be yourself.
2 - Do not be Richard.
3 - See #2.
Umm... But...

entry 006
2021 December 1st, London

About myself.


I hope one day I won't feel this song at all. I do not want to understand it. I do not want to be able to relate to it.


This is a fun blog.

Addendum to principles:
- Never invest in something that is not already yours or attached to you or has real respect for you.

entry 005
2021 December 1st, London

About myself.

Go fuck yourself, December! Give me what I want or give me death!

Writing a blog as a teenager helped me a lot, now I know for sure. Free therapy for myself. (And I suspect, my past self was probably saving me from serious aches by deleting those years and years of continuous self-tracking in a whim.)
This takes away from the loneliness too. Many write cause they are lonely, I can tell.

"Today is a brand new day! Yeah! Hey! I am not a big mistake, baby, I am a great fucking choice!"

...Strong but empty. My words fall on the ground like metal pipes.

Also fucking hate feeling how much my mind has been neglected. I can see where I could've gotten. Been forcing and pushing and learning, still, it is fucking devastating. Hmmm.
Devastation. This word follows me around for the last week. For the last month. For the last year.

I WANT TO BE REPAID IN FULL.

entry 004
2021 November 30th, London

About E.

Have I already gone crazy or can I just deal with a lot?
Have I learned to deal with a lot or do I just know where to step and when to stop?
Do I? What is real? Confirmation from friends make something real? Real. Want is real. I understand want. I understand her cause I understand myself. Want is easy and comes and goes around. Peace of mind, fulfilled by want. Demand the love. "Comfort me with desire." Bathe in disillusional desire.

I like and understand all of that. But I want trust. Talking of depth, I want the same prospects and offerings from someone which I want to give. I want somebody to open up for me, forever. ...I had that, it was real. Then I died.

That or honest friends who are ready to fuck.

Right now, I am living in an illusion of knowing a lot of all of these. I am an illusion. I have none of these.

I am sorry, I won't let you destroy me. I am the storm. Only I destroy me.

entry 003
2021 November 30th, London

About E.

You want me away before there is no way back. I know that. Not because of me but what I could reveal and what would disappear in the same instant.

Love is blind, I know. Until a point where we break... I wish I could be angry.

Why do you throw away yourself for an idea of a person?

It is you. That's not them. All that good is you. That passion and strength. You. Not them.
You are throwing You in a hole. Even the love is coming from you.

You will waste away in that suck, in that small hole. Down the drain you go.

Sex means a lot to dogs. "Have you been here or there?" - they taste and bark. They don't even ask why.


Trust and openness is where I belong. Connexion.

I gave all I have got. I wish you could sense my gratitude, my real intentions or how much I am ready to burn for you.

Instead, I will waste myself in the forevercry under my skin for no point at all. I keep and carry that to remind myself and wishing not to hear you hit the ground hard.

entry 002
2021 November 30th, London

About E.

I saw from far, far away. I resonated with the words. I wanted to KNOW.


Sudden light can destroy.
I have never seen something like you and it hurts my being. I want it all. Mindlessly.
Who are you?

Who are you?
I wish I had more for you. But now I have no strength at all. Frail and worthless. Still, I want all of you.
Sudden light can destroy.

Who are you?
Now is a blade. The blade is this time. Now is the trap I did not see.
And the blade is heavier than me.
Sudden light can destroy.

Who are you?
The blade is heavier than me. Pushing down on me.
Sinking in my chest. Now, the blade is in me. I am holding it. Now I am me.
You were caught in between.

I am nothing but the clench.
Without a body. Everything's a threat.
My heart will soon start bleeding again as I am removing the sword.
The sudden light is gone.

Who are you?
In secret I take my fall and lay to sleep. Sinking back to my tar pit to bleed. Goodbye light.
Who are you? Where are you? Why?


Addendum to principles:
-No waiting, unless it is about a person: careful waiting. I've learned this only now (blade).

entry 001
2021 November 30th, London
staying at an invaluable friends

About M and myself.

It started when I died. I was born when I died. Again.
Before I died, I swore myself an oath for the glory of M and with that, wildly, quickly exhausted all I had, breaking my mind in just one quick electric sentence like this, very fast, in five years. Breaking our love. Breaking the oath by breaking my mind. Becoming nothing. This nothing-human left, left to leave everything behind to rot. Itself a rot.

This wasn't the first time I lost everything. I can hear and feel the scratching of shovels and pickaxes if I concentrate and remember. Scratching my inside. Nothing left, it is only the dark walls of a hollow mine about to collapse. Fork against an empty plate. Metal against rock. Meaningless.

Yet collapse, I won't. (True decisions can't be changed, broken, killed, forgotten, rewritten, moved.)

I, the nothing-human was dropped in Death as a country to be tortured. And tortured I was.

After leaving Death as a country, traumatized, in pieces, I, the nothing-human landed in Sweden.
Dressed with a name and a face, I stopped being a complete nothing.

One morning after no sleep but a magnetic reversal, facing and killing a sick part of myself, I gave some back to my whole.
A leg or an arm.
A sparkle.

A little fire started and I manifested the magnet. A large and heavy desk to work on. Literally this time.

I began to take myself apart upon this tall, dark, heavy desk.
Seeing I am not human at all, I already planned to leave.

There is one thing to do. To live again. Re-establish. Become. Get. Grow:
- Never ask for validation.
- Stop being miserable, stop being negative inwards.
- Stay sincere and honest even if it hurts opinions. Let the flow of it take me where I belong. Yet be careful if it is a delicate person. (this one is a great paradox to pull off)
- From within, always from within. Outside is others.
- I am one. I am an individual. No relatives. By me, by myself. Ask for help only if it is a dire need.
- Most people are still fucking idiots and push their shit onto others. Identify and ignore them.

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