I've built a tag system, now posts can be sorted by tags. It is a mix of CSS and JS, not amazing but not something ultra heavy.
Music blogging while I clear up my other writing.
My favourite albums:
Adan & Ilse & Peter - SADISCO
You might've heard a version of "Boys In Eyeliner" from another EP of theirs. This one, this is easily an instant classic and a legendary release, I gamble. Minimalism is maximized. Dream meet cosmic slaps to the face. Taking drugs on the streets and at the same time having the best sex between velvet sheets. It is a trip and a vacation to your subconscious. The 80s are right here and the boring world doesn't exist. Flying. Love. Stars in blue nightsky. Such smooth sodomizing love, it is that coveted kiss at the back of a dive bar, it is the darkest 2am walk at the lonely side of town, the lost brain (W.Borroughs word-chaos initiated...), you, within you rise, in transposed delay and back to the warm arms and the embracing tranquil purple electricity, the ultraviolet visions through night club temptations, to SADISCO you descend. ... Enjoy.
I also do recommend checking out everything on Pablo's record label cause it is crazy release, after mint, after amazing music pieces. This is a part of the "hidden" underground, truly high quality, killer music from the heart, curated with care.
On desktop or wide-view you can make this blog go faster. Look in the bottom right corner.
Accusing someone of the very things you do (and working your way to hide them)
is low... very low a thing to do.
Not acknowledging actualities (the only thing i ever complained about)
-and telling me those are insignificant details
-then you, yourself witnessing the opposite
-and still insisting...
is low
You telling me explicitly how people are irreplacable
-then i caught you red handed, then you replaced me
low
You telling me I am not even trying at all
-when all I ever did and do is push that boulder up, forever...
You telling me I do not want to fix things
-when you did everything you could to make sure the spilnters can never be put together
Carefully gathering all my mistakes and painting it as blood on the wall
-really low. low.
You INSISTING i do not have a heart.
All your work is making me believe i actually do not have so.
HOW LOW
HOW VILE
Looking for justification in the fall of another
Twisting and gawning... instead of anything
Anything but
Insanity.
Despite all, despite every little stab,
all I did was keeping to my word.
Left with nothing.
Absolute without.
Low.
Gamer, Liar, Soul-Gangster.
Still, all I can leave is a rose.
-> it's not like i do not understand it all
but from over here, this is how it played out
feelings are feelings, wounds are wounds
You can't kill love.
There is nowhere to go from adult love.
What once was real, will forever be a part.
If it was the good love, there is nowhere to go.
alas
NOW PICK ME UP WHIRLWIND
I MUST RETURN TO THE BEYOND
FOR ONCE AGAIN TO EMERGE
...
*walks out in a Ronald McDonald costume*
*honk*
"You can't take shit seriously, can you?"
Yes, I can and do, it is just not a time to afford that. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go total batshit crazy here.
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noise
ksssshhhhhfffffff
*switch TV channel*
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Wrote extensively on how i am displeased, disappointed by, alienated from the local queer communities (or all the communities i encountered, for that matter), in a highly critical and demeaning manner...
Wich is no good, that ain't nice and it goes nowhere so,
simply cause i am such a brilliant-mind-everybody-lookat-me (sometimes i think i am deemed egoistic ...more on paranoia later)
or cause it's way more interesting and actually productive and valuable for me and others:
i turned the writing against me, into a filter through which i pass myself to the other side, so I may learn something of it at least...
(...Do other people do this? You rake up a pile of criticism and then try all that against yourself?)
But first, other notes.
There was a dialogue between two characters in the series I am watching to soothe my brain, an engineer guy said to another person "I do it for the challenge." He meant solving technical problmes.
For the challenge of it.
Help solve serious problems, help others plainly for the challenge of it.
Learn, study, practice and get over technical problems merely for the challenge of it.
That's fucking noble.
I find that noble, humbling: I help you with that complicated annoying stuff, simply cause I enjoy solving annoying complicated stuff ...and it makes me feel good knowing I helped you.
Now... That's nice. And that should drive tech nerds. ...Instead techy bros are in for this crap for the money and to look clever.
*sits back down and continues to fill molotov bottles*
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noise
ksssshhhhhfffffff
*switch TV channel*
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An absolutely vile thing one can do is to tell you how you are feeling, deciding how and what you feel. Tell you what you do.
They come up with their own reality and project it, onto you, to others around.
...
Sometimes not even clear communitcation can help. Sometimes nothing is enough cause there are people who will keep to their own ideas, no matter what.
That is the cue to leave.
When they refuse to discuss, to bring anything of the matter before a third party, when they will talk to everybody but you.
That is the cue to leave.
Thank you, I'll keep my dignity. As I am a lone miner. I dig my way, my own way, by me, through the endless shit.
Thank you.
*honk*
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noise
ksssshhhhhfffffff
*switch TV channel*
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More on the 'man' thing:
Men has to fucking hold their own fucking hands. That's what to be done.
That's what therapy will say cause it is not done in the first place.
Fathers are shit cause society, communities, the crowd-garbage-mind-shit have no instructions or have ill instructions.
Eh.
Hold their own hands and lead themselves.
It's very easy to sort the beans this way, just ask, does this banana lead himself by himself or does he have a mommy or poppy to wipe his ass?
...
And I hate to read "re-rapenting".
Nauseating for me to read. I definitely do not want to "re" especially not "parenting" myself.
I understind it all very, very well. Thank you.
But as always, I rely on courage and I extend on the main thing i ever been doing: untying myself, rewriting my fucking dna, removing all the sickness my body carries.
What I do is move forward, like a horse running or something like that.
I get sick when I can't, when I am held down.
I am doing it all well, thank you. I got this, had this process of mine rolling way fucking before I was ever told of any advice.
Going against nature, the very being which others intended me to be - is needed.
I also understand one can not just remove basic needs which all mammals and one does not just turn into a happy singular being.
It is the exercise of it all that i need. The hammering against that wall. The sculpturing process.
Fucking witness me.
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noise
ksssshhhhhfffffff
*switch TV channel*
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More on non-binary Richie:
I do not want to be the straight(jacket) dogs. I am disgusted by the degenerate things they say. I am on my own.
I do not want get married. I do not want a house, I do not want to drive a car. I do not want hair on my face. I do not want hair on my chest. I want to laser out my ass. I want to get done that vasectomy. I do not want lads. I hate football. I hate macho crap. I want to 🮆🮆🮆🮆 🮆🮆🮆 🮆🮆🮆🮆🮆🮆. I do not want anybody to care for me. I hate kids. I love gay shit but I go rrrrrr for afabs. I do not want to hear about family-anything. I am not submissive but I don't want to be dominant. I do not want to walk like a man and I do not want to walk like a woman. I do not want to care about man or woman. I do not care when my fucking birthday is. I still do not own a fucking suit (although). Fuck reputation.
You know, it's not easy being insane, ya. ...Or considered a whacko WHILE WE HAVE PROOF THE WHOLE WORLD IS LEAD BY THE ACTUAL TOTAL BONKERS WHACKO EVIL SCROTUMS.
...
Constant TURBOPRESSURE
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noise
ksssshhhhhfffffff
*switch TV channel*
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FOREVER CLAWING AT HEARTS
FOREVER CAWING AT HEARTS
FOREVER CLAWING AT HEARTS
FOREVER CAWING AT HEARTS
Hi! More rumblings.
Shorts first, I have three drafts for longer posts in the waiting queue, shirts later...
I was about to give credit for the original creator of the font I used as a basis for the logo but having checked the website they sell their countless commercial fonts from... They do not seem genuine so fuck em. (I used Inkscape to mess it together.)
if you are feeling funny and/or bored click this
Debating titles for the upcoming (...) book I will release for free (...), in which I will collect all of my writings from the past decades (everybody's favourite topics to read about...).
A new runner up:
Rectum: Up In What And Why I Am So Fucking Pissed Off About EverythingWhere's your art?
On paper, offline.
They/You turn off the 'ai' warehouses, stop using the cursed apps, boycott the shit back to hell - i upload the art. Simple as that.
No? No.
You will never meet anybody as unforgiving as I am. That extends far and wide, transcends constructs and social norms, even goes all up to internet habits.
No fucking art for you, first you exorcise the demons (services).
Stubborn can be ground up, filtered, eaten again, become a different stubborn.
There are things we do not just pass by.
There are things never to be forgiven or forgotten.
There is renetless and unforgiving. And there is stubborn, which is stupidly dismissing and not agreeing "just because".
I am one and not the other.
The world is currently on a hospital bed and it is insane.
It's not me, it's insane, rich twats and their followers who are ruining everything.
No artwork to see.
Electronicblackmetaliqueue
Electronicblackmetaliqueue
Electronicblackmetaliqueue
ElectronicblackmetaliqueueNon-binary existence from my perspective
Uh, this will be brief:
Gender = Rules set by others.
Gender thingies described well by queer communities = Still rules set by others.
Fuck that.
My ex was upset when i handed over this: i do not really care or akcnowledge all these queer definitions.
I wonder about the amount of upset the meter would show if i just said this to a less intelligent queerdo.
My argument wasn't valid, so i (re-)presented them with a brief paper an agender friend of theirs did.
That way it was ok. ...
Now, it is true, i take it further and i trust i come from further beyond with my ideas...
Indeed, I shit on the constructs even by nature when it comes to defining myself.
I just "chameleon my way through" society.
What i am and how i am concerns only me and those who i choose to be close partners with.
If you just want to fucking exist with yourself, I do not think, if it really is just something for you, if it is your person and something private, this all to be egoistic at all. Simplifying that sentence: I owe no description of myself to anyone.
If I do not feel like I fit into boxes: then I just don't.
To me (at a very personal level) meaningless words: family, mother, father, marry, wife, husband, children...
All the normie things were taken from me probably even before i was born and my only response to that is: go ahead, take the crumbs too, i know a better way to live. The end.
According to me they are cool non-binary people, ones I really dig:
Diamanda Galás
Prince (though spawned a child so not fully non-binary according to me)
Q (fictional)
Data (fictional)
Rick Owens (male body, with definitely an alien inside)
my ex (-_-)
Other. Fabricated. Made up. New. Beyond.
Not willingly and not by choice but cause that is the only choice left, the only door to walk through.DaDiskotecqhue
DaDiskotecqhue
DaDiskotecqhue
DaDiskotecqhue
Here be demons
Introspection.
Organizing thoughts. Documenting. Regurgitating.
Taking notes. Sending messages to the future. Learning. Transforming.
Information. Lessons of the self. Exploration of the mind.
Words of power.
I have my work backed up for the last two decades... today it just occured to me, that I do.
Almost every drawing on paper stacked away somewhere. Notes, pieces of paper. Notebooks. All data, every picture, every digital photo taken and every text file written, offline, on a hard disk, often multiple copies on different drives. (More on this hoarding later) Everything backed up except for previously mentioned unfortunate blog deletion. Anyway.
Writing, taking notes.
Diaries, anecdotes, papers, essays, poems, stories.
This is not entirely natural, I wager. This is a conscious decision. (In cases compulsory). This is a choice. A deliberate choice, a conclusion and actioning.
Put it into words.
For me it is about dissecting. The more I look at it, the more I ask why, I come to that conclusion.
Dissecting myself and what I encounter.
That is the only science I mess with. I don't call it philosophy, it is somekind of work, I ... I stare into the mirror and look at the world, and I describe my thoughts and feelings.
Reflection. ...some crazy rumbling.
Documenting...
Mmm-hmm.
Create. Write, paint, dance, sing...
Creativity! The natural state of mind, as long as I am concerned.
...
Well, I have decided to run a public blog again. Things have to go out. OUT.
So,
I'm gonna run this "topic" within the blog posts titled "Things I am currently pissed off about" (...) so here it is:
Things I am currently pissed off about and worried about:
1. men.
If somebody happens to find and read this in the future, do take a look at the date and note recent world news.
It is always men (the cause of problems). It just has to circle back to cocks. Fighting cocks, slimey cocks, lying cocks...
Isn't this so annoying?
That which supposed to be fun, somehow makes its way to be a malevolent curse.
Yes, there are rare exceptions and there are enablers but at the centre, the spark of the problem is somehow always a man.
So let's dissect men. (...)
Oh, and also, this is the very thing (writing, I mean) what men better do, what would improve things a lot: to deal with the crap themselves. They ought to pester only themselves and take time thinking. Take time and energy to see. We know it is very powerful a craft.
Now, I do consider myself non-binary, simply cause everything about myself just makes more sense that way. ...or in other words I am a fucking bitch and fuck you.
...am serious about the first part.
Will write more about this later.
No, this writing won't end up as an excuse or plea - nor even as reasoning. I am driven by desires. This is about things I desire.
You won't find me washing hands, I know I won't ever escape "the man":
I have this frustration in me which I am afraid is too late to see out the door: I have to live up to certain "things". A moral duty. A vexing effigy. It lives with me.
Admit.
I can't help but admit, I look for figures to be. "Who am I?"
That "be yourself" is such an... empty room to walk into. Since you are the room, for fuck's sake. ...Damn! I am me, who the fuck else would I be?! The room has to be filled. ...With yourself.
Eh. Be yourself. That works outward "automatically", despite whatever argument.
Introspectively, now that way, it sure can be a car crash.
I remember writing a lot on this before, "you have to put yourself into the fire" and so on.
In other blogs I wrote about it plenty of times, I haven't had much of a father. ...Oh well, of course I could've chosen to think of them as such, but I do not even bother to call that person a "man". What a weak joke.
Neither animalistically nor as an intellectual impression, if I remove the phyisical threat (psychological horror for a child), there is vacuum.
The "father figure" for my person is but a warning. This alerting sign: WRONG WAY.
Myself as a father... Now, I honestly do not even like to nourish a pet. This has to do a lot with logistics as well but I would go great lengths to make sure I do not reproduce biologically. All my previous partners shared the same sentiment.
But taking the omnious father out of and far away the picture and making it all FUN, and also to get to the point:
What should be a man? How to man?
Values.
So,
What dignifies a "man"? What makes a worthy, a decent man?
Being able to carry it.
According to my experiences a donkey should do. Not to downplay or say anything bad about anybody but yall gotta carry objects all the goddamn fucking time. Groceries. Jackets. Towels. Art. Drinks. Life does demand this part, this isn't even a joke. The hands are full.
The weight. All the weight.
A decent "man", according to me:
-Does not complain. Takes on challenge all times. Competes only with himself.
-Respectful. Patient. Relentless about the work to be done.
-Endures. Carries said weight. Teeth clenched, goes on, despite anything.
-Constantly wants to make a difference.
-A walking safe space.
-Listens. Helps and aids others. Does the fucking best he can.
-Self-diciplined, not self-denying.
-Expresses feelings and thoughts well.
It is up to the character, up to the "core personality" whether he can live up to this ideal, whether he is able to sustain all that and keep afloat...
A good man has to.
Now, what I've personally found out -
(apart from how distorted and sickening this "figure", say, for example the "family man" has been twisted, came to be,
...or was always a faulty device, a bad one, a fatal example within society)
- is that everybody has their own limit. Every single person is finite.
That should teach humility in itself. Cherishing and respecting life. I trust a mind in harmony does appreciate and respects all life.
Finite.
Finite energies and finite tolerance. The candle burns out.
A suppose and I propose, if going with previously so boldly listed, so grandiously described charactersitics, the idea, the goal is to enhance and grow this candle of our dear man.
Energy runs out. But at first, there is no energy to begin with.
Growth and cancer.
Here comes the taint. I think this is where the mulch, the filth, the evil - might - enter. This is the crossroads where that specific choice comes into play.
The ways to get "there", the routes of becoming, the various options to pick from are laid out in every form and shape. That is, if the little boy is not pushed to believe he has no choice or it is the holy father he must also become...
AND
And, I know well, very well, the way, the salvation or the cool commando or the amazing bachelor or the saint figure, he can wear a suit and a smile.
Or a robe, carry incense sticks, look alternative, anything, any form, stupidity can jump on the stage in any way imaginable.
We can list all sorts of shitheads, can't we?
In a way, I think of myself as fortunate: as I was pushed away from all figures, I saw how everybody lies. And I did not trust them.
Cure.
Humility and honesty is the antidote. Honesty with oneself: one does not "just grow".
Accepting limits, or 'the' limit is a healthy way to add a little growth.
Abuse is obviously a sick way, still, I think many and most go that way.
Simply, I think most boys, men just do not understand abuse. Anything about it.
(They are playing in the sand and have no idea what they are doing. That is not and never excusable.)
To keep it less than a hundred pages and somewhat less grim than it already is, I move on.
Need.
There is no escape from the needs.
Now, even if our little, dear little man is keeping in mind and abides by the "decent man" list, there will be needs. Constant needs.
The maw of the world moves and it has to be fought or fed or both.
Doesn't matter if the man is the acquiring, suit wearing type or the typical dumbass worker, they say "I got to make money for my family".
The world.
Finite energies and the world...
I confess, it is very tiring even just to type this. The great whirlpool of the world. The drain.
Climbing up and the other hand working against the mad fucking world.
After writing all that down I can't help wondering:
Is madness the most common "destination" of ambitious people?
I call for help. Dougie Jones calls for help.
I call for an example to study:
Watching Gul Dukat in ST DS9 completely losing his brains after he lost everything and his daughter died in his arms.
(Yes, I need my fantasy/sci-fi distraction from the madness, thank you.)
I love you, Dukat, you are a beautiful man (up to the 7th season). Although you are entirely fictional, sadly.
Get this:
This character lives up to what is expected of him by his society and by the rank he is working and in between he is chasing down what his heart desires. And I underline, kindly and respectfully towards others. Now, to not be a murderous, heartless shit as he is told to be, he goes against agendas pushed onto him, truly tries to improve things for people for who he's not supposed to care about, puts his pride out of the way, accepts losses and yet nobody gives a fuck to listen to him and is continously vilified. RESPECTS women saying no to him and is kind to them.
Somehow, I can't help but think these lizard-looking humanoids in the series are hated simply for expressing themselves well, speaking wide and clever, carrying themselves with grace. I see them as greek philosophers who do not lay around but live life full while busting their ass around hard to get shit done. And all the while are at odds with all what they know and powers they have, measuring and weighing their own possible actions and actual doings, they aren't just dogs, they truly think.
Let's get back to Dukat specifically.
*edit: no, this fucker is not narcisstic, he just carries himself by his spine -> he IS narcisstic as fuck in the last season (not as much as Sisko, though)
Not once, he loses everything.
He fucking listens to people who otherwise non-stop mock him, just to do the better thing.
Then his people betray him, his wife leaves him, he is basically made fun of, yet he stays strong and works his way back to his rank, to dignity.
He has mercy and goes out of his way to try to look out for the common folk and please people who still mock him, wrongfully. I am repetitive cause the character faces that too.
He doesn't lie, he expresses himself the best he can.
Let's take note. He was a reasonable man and nobody gave a damn to listen to him.
What happens to him?
In the end, losing everything (to forces beyond him, some fantasy shit within the sci-fi) and absolute betrayals knocked him down into madness.
I could say, despite pushing himself to the absolute tits limits, giving all he could, he ended up losing.
Talking about that boulder going up the mountain...
Humility and power.
Now, it sticks out already, this character's downfall was his hunger for power. He could've stayed a farmer or something. (Picard in his vineyard.) But for him, according to the fantasy world, that wasn't really an option (fully militant society).
In reality, humility is such a forgotten elixir:
"This is all what I can do. I see now, that was way too hard for me, probably that's how far I can go."
Fake, religious humility is all around but the silent one, exercised by one by themselves is a rare occurence.
Something of a conclusion:
I, obviously, have an unusual take on things, a differing view on the world, yet I would expect most people to agree:
As anybody, who try and try harder in life, say, not only within confines of jobs, or science, do tend to end up in a rubber corner of sorts.
Even the ones being filthy rich...
That's all for the piss and worry for now.
Next episodes:
-Non-binary existence from my perspective
-Why hungarian feminism fails and why i think local queer is doomed
-People using services or why and how i hate people
-We all think "I am better than everybody else"
-Where's your art?
-and i will continue dissecting "the man"
Well, waddaya know, some sudden burst of energies and bold plans can really knock one out of depression...
Or at least I am heavy on convincing myself about that.
Either case, I am a busy-busy bee for a long while now.
Let's go.
I've fixed an "eroded" texture as a background image to this blog cause I feel somewhat worn, a bit dentet, chiseled down by the years and so it fits well my words.
Yeah. Hello. I used to blog a lot, I used to write almost everything out.
Out.
Concerning that, a grand mistake of mine was deleting (without a recoverable trace) what I was writing from the age of 16 to 20.
Although living a life thinking: "oh I better look out and not make mistakes" is a terribly stressful one.
There are mistakes in life. Mistakes we make. Yes, there are terrible and lethal mistakes one can make.
More on that later.
Anyway,
there is a lot I wish to type out but before,
I've made a little digital patch thing to signal how extra-very very much I oppose the rotten bullshit that is going on:
or link to file
I do not consent for my work (not even notes or ideas) to be reproduced or modified in part or in whole.
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I refuse for my work, notes, ideas to be reproduced, modified, distributed or provisioned to third parties.
I do not permit the reproduction, modification, reprinting, distribution, use in AI research in any sense, nor provision to third parties of any of my work, nor any of my illustrations or ideas or notes.
This extends to parts of my websites and to all imagery, all illustrations and logos.
Do not copy, reproduce, modify or analyze without given hand-written consent by me, Richard Kramenstetter.